


sleepless night

by onhojongtaekey



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, its 3am i got lazy & my phone doesn’t auto capitalize so, lapslock, lyrical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 22:17:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16072472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onhojongtaekey/pseuds/onhojongtaekey
Summary: my empty heart says i’m a fool.





	sleepless night

“you’re coming back soon right?”

he didn’t look up from his lap, brought his knees closer to him to keep himself from falling apart entirely. this was bound to happen sooner or later.

“i’m… no. not any time soon. i’m sorry.”

with one foot already out the door, it was hard to believe his apology.

“if you were sorry, kibum, you wouldn’t be leaving. not like this.”

“jong—”

“i should’ve left you first,” the smaller started, “but i just _can’t._ i can’t leave you, who i love more than myself.” he held himself tighter, shaking his head as if to wake up from what was his worst nightmare, white hair falling in his face.

the younger boy turned around to face him, walked behind him and crouched down, wrapping his arms around him.

“this hurts.” he said bitterly, embracing the shaking figure in front of him.

“why can’t you cry if you’re in so much pain?” jonghyun asked with a strained voice, like he was holding back tears because he knew the answer.

“if i cry, you’ll cry too. and if you cry, i can’t leave. i have a job to do, jonghyun.”

“it’s not the end of the world if you stay around a little longer kibum.”

“no,” the younger agreed, “but time is everything to us. you know this.”

silence fell upon the two, kibum moving his arms every which way around jonghyun as if he were trying to remember the curves of his body for the last time. he broke the silence with an attempt to comfort the older.

“i’ll be back.”

“i know you will.”

“you always get like this.”

“because you always try to leave so coldly,” jonghyun defended, “ripping off the bandage isn’t always the best course of action. i’d rather deal with the temporary discomfort of a lengthy goodbye, followed by a comfortable memory of our last days or hours together, and keep that memory for however many months until you’re back again. i’d rather have that, than an easy and fast goodbye, and then months of misery because there’s so much i didn’t get to do and _won’t_ get to do for months on end, maybe even a year at this rate.”

kibum could do nothing more but sigh, tightening his hold on the boy. at this point, they were laying on the carpeted floor in a spooning position, jonghyun still curled up into himself but no less welcoming of kibum’s embrace.

“i love you.” he kissed the nape of jonghyun’s neck, snuggled into him and kissed him again. “i really love you jonghyun. when i’m gone for so long… i miss you so much. it’s unbearable. there was a time where i thought i’d be better off without you, where you’d be better off without me; because i leave for so long, and it’s so _painful._ i thought we’d be better finding someone more convenient to love; but that’s not how things work. i love you. i love you so much and i hate myself for thinking i’d forget you without a single regret.

 

“even the times we fought over the inconsistent arrangements, even the times we’ve ended the evening upset at each other, at the end of the night it’d all be okay. we’d end up in each other’s arms again, and we’d be okay. you’re the place i go to rest at the end of everyday… and i don’t want to keep leaving, but it’s my _job._ ”

the evening sun was setting, and kibum knew he’d be staying around for the next twenty four hours. it meant another twenty four hours added to his time away from jonghyun, but if it meant he’d be leaving the boy with a smile, it was worth it.

“i wish i could come with you.”

“i know baby.”

silence again.

silence still.

silence until, “is there anything you want to do while i’m here?”

jonghyun turned to face kibum, reddened nose and blotchy cheeks hitting him in the gut. he reached up to wipe futilely at jonghyun’s already dried tears, jonghyun instead weakly batting his hand away and instead drawing him in for a kiss. his fingers roamed through kibum’s short blond hair, down his neck, over his back, anywhere he could reach. the pace was slow, neither of them wanting to do anything but just _be_ and _feel_ for as long as they could, savoring every moment.

“i love you.” jonghyun spoke first, breaking the kiss but maintaining the closeness.

“i love you too.”

“can we stay up tonight? please.”

“anything for you.”

“can you stay?”

“i can promise to come back.”

“i love you.” he had nothing else to say, no other way to verbalize how deeply he felt for the younger, how much he hated the job that tore them apart and robbed them of holidays together. christmas and new year’s were marked by crap-quality video calls and late gift arrivals, birthdays and valentine’s day the same, summer giving them two months to make up for the last ten and it ended all too soon.

three more years.

three more years and kibum would be his and his _only_.

“i really do love you so much, kibum. i’m in love with you. i want— _need_ these next three years to pass by quickly. i need for you to come back safely and healthily each and every time. promise me you will. swear it.”

“i swear to you…” kibum searched for the right words to continue. “i swear on the stars that fall from your eyes, i’ll be back to greet you, happily, safely, healthily, in ten months. ten months exactly. i swear. you have my word.”

time passed, and they eventually made their way to their bedroom, spilling out enough promises and confessions to last a lifetime and then some. their resolution to stay up through the night lasted them until the moon began to set, fatigue overcoming them at once. they hadn’t let go of each other once, kibum having made sure of it.

and when the morning greeted the pair, it was made up of more promises and reassurances than one knew what to do with, characterized by lazy but timed, calculated movements about the kitchen, punctuated by soft giggles and warm smiles.

and when kibum had to leave that evening, jonghyun was okay. he walked him to the door, laced their fingers together as they graced the halls and made their way down the steps, held him close and kissed him once, twice, ten times before he had to go.

ten months, three more times, barely over two years.

he’d be okay. they’d be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> another 3am fic bc what’s sleep


End file.
